Stock Market Joke

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. Its called the stock market.
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street.
3. The difference between a pigeon and a investment broker… The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW
4. What’s the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment broker? A tie.
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing’s right and on the right side nothing’s left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be reading this, if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam. Don’t fall for it.
7. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my checks is returned stamped ‘insufficient funds’. I won’t know whether that refers to mine or the bank’s.

Hey Baby .. It’s Daddy!

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

’Hello?’

‘Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?’

Ternyata Rokok itu tidak berbahaya

Banyak orang menghawatirkan bahaya rokok dan menakutinya, tapi setelah diselidiki oleh banyak pakar dalam bidangnya khususnya di milis TM ternyata rokok itu sama sekali tidak berbahaya.

Kemudian para pakar sepakat untuk membuktikannya dengan mengambil dari beberapa hikayat pada zaman dahulu kala dimana pada waktu itu nenek moyang kitapun telah membuktikannya melalui beberapa percobaan, buktinya seperti cerita di bawah ini, dia tetap sehat walafiat.

Untuk lebih jelasnya dapat dibuktikan lewat penemuan oleh beberapa dari ahli di bawah ini:

Istri seorang programmer

Suami: (Pulang telat dari kantor) “Selamat malam sayang, sekarang saya logged in.”
Istri: “Apakah kamu bawa oleh-oleh yang aku minta?”
Suami: “Bad command or filename.”

Istri: “Tapi aku bilangnya dari tadi pagi!”
Suami: “Errorneous syntax. Abort?”

Istri: “Trus, bagaimana tentang beli televisi baru?”
Suami: “Variable not found…”

Istri: “OK deh, kalo gitu aku minta kartu kreditmu. Aku mau belanja sendiri aja.”
Suami: “Sharing Violation. Access denied…”

Istri: “Apakah kamu lebih mencintai komputer daripada aku? Atau kamu hanya main-main saja?”
Suami: “Too many parameters.. ..”

Istri: “Itu kesalahan terbesar kalo saya menikahi orang ‘idiot’ sepertimu.”
Suami: “Data type mismatch.”

Istri: “Kamu tidak berguna.”
Suami: “It’s by Default.”

Istri: “Bagaimana dengan gajimu?”
Suami: “File in use … Try later.”

Istri: “Kalo gitu apa posisiku di keluarga ini?”
Suami: “Unknown Virus.”

Gambling Blonde

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived … and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.”

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, “Come on, baby…. Southern Girl needs new clothes!”

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and down . and squealed…
“YES! YES! I WON! I WON!”

She hugged each of the dealers … and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I don’t know… I thought you were watching.”

Moral —

Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men….. are men.

Australian Poetry Competition

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal man. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a  poem that contained the word. The word they were given was ‘TIMBUKTU’.
First to recite his poem was the university graduate.

He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination – Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy!  No way could the old aboriginal man top that, they thought.

Then the old aboriginal man calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin’ went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu

The aboriginal man won.

English vs Bahasa

Kiriman dari teman, sudah agak lama

Bahasa Indonesia memang lebih nyaman. Coba aja ngomong kalimat2 di bawah ini.

Bahasa Indonesia: “Tiga nenek sihir mengagumi tiga buah arloji merk Swatch. Nenek sihir mana melihat pada arloji Swatch yang mana?”
Dalam bahasa Inggris: “Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watch which Swatch watch?

Yang lainnya…

Bahasa Indonesia: “Tiga nenek sihir biseksual mengagumi kenop kenop dari tiga arloji Swatch. Nenek sihir biseksual mana yang memandangi kenop arloji Swatch yang mana?”
Dalam bahasa Inggris: “Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watch which Swatch watch switch?

Keplintir deh lidah kita

Man Problem

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, he was unable to get his penis erect. The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he Is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant’s trunk into his penis. The man thought about it a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, “That was incredible! Can you do it again?”

With tears in his eyes he replied, “I think I can, but I’m not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse!”

Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Old Folks Get Serious

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, “I know just what you’re wanting. For $5.00 I’ll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair.”

The old lady looked surprised but didn’t say a word.

The old man continued, “For $10 I’ll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I’ll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you’ve ever had in your life.”

The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

“So you want the nice romantic evening in my room,” says the old man.

“Get serious”, she replies. “Four times in the rocker.”